We all carry baggage from the past.
Things happen to us in childhood and as young adults. These events trigger feelings that shape beliefs. And these beliefs lead to negative patterns of behaviour.
These patterns can persist. And they can be very damaging.
For instance, I remember being humiliated by one teacher and told to stand in the corner. This led to problems of blushing and chronic shyness that lasted for many years.
The stress of speaking in public can be a strong cue for negative beliefs to re-emerge.
Working with outwardly successful and seemingly confident people, here are some of the common ones:
- I’m terrified.
- I’m not normal.
- I’m not supposed to be here.
- I’m boring.
- Everyone is waiting for me to screw up.
- When they ask questions, they are trying to undermine me.
One of the most powerful things you can do is to reframe these negative beliefs.
Call them out. Take the negatives and flip the script. Limiting beliefs become empowering beliefs.
I’m nervous… becomes…I’m excited.
Notice how the physical feelings associated with ‘nerves’ and ‘excitement’ are very similar. So, when the heart beats faster, the blood pumps and the feelings of sickness begin, tell yourself: ‘This is great! I am excited!’
I’m not normal… becomes… I’m SO normal.
I spend a lot of time getting senior leaders to understand what they are feeling is amazingly common. But because very few people admit to their deep insecurities, many have the impression that their fears are odd or unusual. They’re so not!
I’m not supposed to be here… becomes… I was born to be here.
The classic signs of imposter syndrome are ridiculously common among senior executives. But the chances are they have earned every right to be there. They have deep experience and intellect. When they walk onto the stage, they need to tell themselves that.
I’m boring… becomes… I’m interesting.
How do we know this? Because everyone is interesting. Every single person on earth is interesting. They all have stories and abilities. They all have feelings and knowledge. When you stand on stage, you must believe that you are interesting enough – and that doesn’t mean being perfect. Often imperfections are more interesting to the audience.
Everyone is waiting for me to screw up… becomes… They want me to succeed.
How many times do you watch a speaker hoping that they mess it up? Almost never. The audience wants you to do well. It’s better for them that you are comfortable and effective. The idea that audiences want speakers to fail is completely false.
When they ask questions, they are trying to undermine me… becomes… Questions are a sign of engagement and interest.
Some speakers fear being interrupted or asked unexpected questions. Despite knowing the answers, I have seen them go into panic mode when challenged. But any intervention from the audience is a sign of engagement. Some of the best pitches never get beyond the opening slides. If it becomes less of a presentation and more of a conversation, that can be a great sign.
And so it goes on:
I’m a nervous speaker… becomes… I’m a passionate speaker.
I’m worried about the audience… becomes… I care about the audience.
I dread public speaking…becomes… I relish the challenge of public speaking.
These perspective shifts must be reinforced regularly with coaching and positive self-talk.
But it begins with writing.
Write down the negative belief. Then find a way to reframe the same idea with positive language. Then ask yourself, in all honesty, which version is more likely to be true?
Over time, with practice, we can reshape our beliefs. And this changes the way we show up.
I’ve done it myself and I’ve seen it happen in others.
Only by reframing the negatives can speakers write a different story for themselves.